Breaking up with someone is terribly an upsetting experience. So much so that you feel stressed out on how you should go about it. You have spent some special moments together and the last thing you would want to do is hurt them. Though it will always be a difficult thing to do, you can ease it somewhat by knowing which steps you should take for a much well mannered and respectful exit.
Be Sure of Your Decision
The emotions are high and sometimes we make decisions without proper thought to it. Thus, first, allow some time for your emotions to reside, say about a week. Also, in this time let your partner know you need space and with that don’t make any contact.
For the next step, make a list of reasons why you should and should not stay with this person. Write it down under two columns for comparison. By writing it down you clarify your emotions and thoughts and in the end, decide what you really want. You can answer the following questions to get you started:
- Does this person accept you?
- Are you getting what you need?
- Are you able to work issues out together?
- Can you talk to them?
- Is the relationship give and take?
Now way up the positives and negatives, did one override the other? For many, by this time, you may realize if it was just a small hiccup in the relationship or there’s just too many negatives that signal you should end it.
But, don’t make your final decision yet. Talk to a trusted person about it. They are great at clarifying your thought process. And, furthermore, they can add some ideas that you may have never considered yourself. When it’s a trusted person they too help in reassuring your decision.
Find an Appropriate Time and Place
Choose a time where you both are free and away from distraction. Plan it ahead and allow plenty of time so nothing is rushed. And since this is a serious matter make sure other happenings such as studies or work will not be affected by it during and after the breakup. As you both need space to absorb what’s happened and you may not want to confront others and deal with responsibilities and tasks at once.
As for a place, make it private. It can be uncomfortable when others ear-drop and start talking behind your back. Or if that may not be an option such as for safety reasons, meet somewhere where it’s not so secluded or take a trusted friend with you for support.
Discuss It In Person
Ideally, you should discuss with that person your concerns. So that the relationship is not ended abruptly, where the person will feel shocked and not know why this a breakup happened. Discussing it first allows the chance for them to make sense of what you want and possibly work things out. And for you to get all your frustrations out of your system, thus you won’t blow up. But only discuss when it seems right. If they had cheated or hurt you bad discussing should not be entertained because such acts are simply not acceptable in relationships.
Focus on the Issues Why
Sometimes we get so angry with the situation we blame the other for the problems. Though the bad thing about this is that you hurt them and the problem at hand will never be resolved instead likely becomes a vicious cycle. Rather stay composed, breathe and say what’s on your mind. Start off by apologizing for breaking up, to try to set a calm mood. Now follow with your “negatives”. For example, instead of “You won’t convert to XWZ religion” rather “I want to practice my own religion and I’m not willing to change”. Or instead of “You are always around me, you never give me a break”. Rather “ I need my space to get out and do other things”. Here you can see how you talk about what you want instead of making it all their fault.
Expect the Following Reactions
The person will always react in an upsetting way (there’s really no way around it). So, expect the following and know how to handle them.
Ask Questions: Get ready to answer questions. Don’t avoid them since this heighten their emotions. And don’t try to avoid them by not telling the truth or unfulfilling the question either.Simply give sincere answers.
Shout and Argue: They may do so to show you are wrong and they are right. And you may be tempted to follow suit. But it won’t fix the situation and only blows the situation out of proportion. Instead, tell them you don’t want to argue. And if they don’t stop be prepared to literally walk away.
Cry: Some people may or may not want to be comforted. But remember you are there to break it off, don’t be swayed due to some sort of guilt. This decision though bad will be good for the both in the long run.
Beg: You’ve probably given them time to change for the better. You may have discussed it many times before. If the beg they won’t do it again, chances are they’ll make the same mistakes again. So once more it’s ok to care for them but don’t be swayed.
Abuse You: With names and physical attacks. Let them know that’s really not ok. And if it becomes serious, leave straight away.
Don’t Leave Anything to Chance
Breaking up by private messaging, writing a letter or email, getting someone else to do it for you or phoning them sounds like a good idea. They all don’t require you to show your face. But it must be said these all are the wrong thing to do. You should really discuss with them in person what you want. For one, that person can take you seriously. Two, they will know you respect them rather than taken as a joke. And three give them a chance to voice their side of the table too.
Say your Final Goodbye
Sounds so sad but in the end, that’s what you wanted. And this means you need to make it final. Don’t make any contact with them what so ever as this may suggest you are still interested when you are not really. So this means avoid messaging and replying to messages. Block them on your social media so that feelings are not conjured up. And if you happen to cross paths keep it light with a small hello and simple conversation to avoid awkwardness. Don’t allow the chance for being friends because that gives a glimpse of false hope.
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Until next time,